Why I'm a gestational carrier..

Helps explain a little how some people want and pray and beg for a family so bad... and others throw it away..  I feel for these women...

What type of person would want to do that??

Who am I?

I am the youngest in my family.  I have one sister.  I have hair that is constantly changing color unable to decide what it wants to be.  I forget to pluck my eyebrows.  I am uberly competitive.  It bothers me when people use there, they're, and there incorrectly.  I am an avid animal lover.  I wanted to be a vet but ended up crying more than the owners when putting an animal down, so therefore out the door went my veterinarian career.  I am a Daddy's girl.  I hide my tears and am ashamed of them.  In fact, when my husband or children cry it makes me feel awkward.  I have NO idea why, it's just a natural feeling for me.  I was/am the athlete.  I love almost all sports that I excel in and loathe those that I do not-  example: bowling.  My middle name is Marie for my Great Grandmother.  I miss California (we lived there on/off for 3 years while Joe was in the Marine Corps).  With that, I miss the Marine Corps... the guys used to tease me that I was the SGT Major of the Marine Corps with my wonderful knowledge.  I volunteered a LOT of my time for a wonderful non-profit organization called www.marineparents.com for almost 5 years.  I do not LOVE kids but I love giving them hope.  I am going on my third year as the Girl Scout Daisy troop leader and first year as the Brownie asst leader.  I was a Girl Scout growing up- until I thought it was uncool... little did I know that I was uncool.  I had the same best friend since 1st grade until probably ... a year and a half ago.  And it makes my heart ache every time I think about how much I miss that friendship.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I try too hard to be.  I married my high school sweetheart- but again, we are not perfect and did a lot a living before settling down.  I got pregnant too young but fell in love at first sight.  I almost lost BayLeigh- our first born.  I gave birth for the first time with my husband thousands of miles away in Iraq.  I gave birth to our last born, Charley, with my husband thousands of miles away in Afghanistan.  I have two great and awesome friends that I consider my bests even though they are far away.  I miss them fiercely but they have helped shape me into the woman I am today.  I love the sport of swimming.  I become pregnant almost too easily- and therefore my heart aches for those who can not.  I am a child of God.  I come from a "whole" family- a mom and dad who are still married and love each other.  I do not get along with my sister very well (although it's getting there once we both agree to disagree).  I think sometimes I am TOO common sense, there is no grey area and everything is black and white and if everyone else could just see that we would live in a perfect world.  (ha)  I love serving people, I think that's who God made me.  I volunteer.  I can not say No unless it is to my children.  I want to give and allow my children to experience whatever activity they want to in order to figure out where their niche is.  I don't get to see my family as much as I would like to.  I like Bud Light Lime... its delicious.  I eat food... a lot of it, so I'm not a skinny girl and I'm proud of that- I have four daughters and I just turned 28 you do the math.  I am very sarcastic and quick with comebacks.  I need to be more humble.  I am involved in our church.... although I have been on a long break trying to find myself one might say but actually I've just been selfish and lazy.  I read the Bible.  I read a lot of anything and I will reread my favorite book 25 times and learn something new every time.  I am a scanner.  I hate voicemails, in fact if you leave me one chances are I will never listen to it.  I saw you called and I will call you back! My first car was purple (how awesome is that?!)  My first french kiss was in 8th grade to Jamie Farrell.  I turn very pale in the winter, almost translucent... if you shake some glitter on my I may be mistaken for a Cullen family member.  (That was a Twilight reference)  I have NOT read 50 Shades of Gray and I'm ok with that. I love Harry Potter and the Hunger Games.  I grew up on Princess Bride and Adventures in Babysitting (every time I go to Chicago I get so excited about the Diamond Shaped building that Sarah was scaling).  I feel home when my husband is there.  I love candles and bathtubs (tubbys).  I used to think the Gin Blossoms song Hey Jealousy was actually "Hey Chelsea" and my friends and family allowed me to think this until I was oh 20 or so???  I used to think the color magenta was actually pronounced mag net ah and this was until my wedding day...  I can NOT say aluminum without stumbling over that word.  My piercing blue eyes actually give me headaches because they cause me to squint all the time.  I LOVE sunflower seeds.  I got a little addicted to BF3 but I'm better now ;)  I miss my husband when he is away.  I dislike our dog.  I am more a cat person.

I was born able.. able to get pregnant easily... able to give birth and have normal pregnancies and labors.   God blessed me with a family.  My heart aches for those still trying... who have been trying for what seems like forever to them.

God made me uniquely and created me with love.  This is how my IP's baby will be created... uniquely and with love.

I am who I am... God wired me... I am who I am and have nothing to hide.

I had a miscarriage... and now.... God left another little impression on my heart..  one that aches with empathy and love with those who have lost a child as well.  Compassion doesn't even begin to describe how I feel towards those in pain. I am who God made to and shaped me to be with all the experiences that have brushed, bumped, stamped, slid, moved across/through/around/ontop/under me.  With each movement I am forever being etched and chiseled into the Christian Woman/Mother/Daughter/Sister/Wife/Gestational Carrier/Swim Coach/Crave Leader/Girl Scout Leader/Neighbor/Cousin/Fan/Jesusfreak/Crazy Driver.

Heavy Heart..

I write tonight with a heavy heart... but when I began blogging this I agreed to be raw and transparent... well here goes:

I went over a week without any bleeding!!  Which was great news... however, today I woke up with heavy bleeding..  with the bleeding came some small clots (sorry if TMI but if there is anyone out there that has the same issue and is googling it I want to help or share my experience for them) and then some larger ones.  I was feeling fine.  No pain, no cramping, after about 45 minutes of heavy bleeding I called the IVF clinic and asked them what they thought.  They said if the bleeding went away great... but if not go to the ER.

So I made a trip to the Morrison ER.  While I was there I passed more blood... and something that looked pretty suspicious...

I brought all this over to the Sterling ER (because Morrison didn't have an ultrasound technician)  and was admitted and spent the rest of my day in at CGH.  After blood work and ultrasound it was pretty clear that I had miscarriage.  The vaginal exam confirmed it.

mis·car·riage

   /mɪsˈkærɪdʒ; for 1 also ˈmɪsˌkærɪdʒ/ Show Spelled[mis-kar-ij; for 1 also mis-kar-ij] 

noun

1.  the expulsion of a fetus before it is viable

2.  failure to attain the just, right, or desired result

loss

   /lɔs, lɒs/ Show Spelled[laws, los] 

noun

1. detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get: to bear the loss

My heart hurts so much for M & M and their dreams and hopes for this baby.  The only pain I had was during the ultrasound and vaginal exam and being poked and prodded and worked over.  My body is sore and very tired due to the extreme blood loss.  I think the worst part of it is the ER OB room must be located underneath the birthing unit because I could hear a newborn crying the entire time.

I have such mixed feelings and emotions right now.  I wonder what I did wrong... was there something wrong with the baby... maybe this is why I didn't feel pregnant??? or maybe this is why I bled before
??  was there something wrong with me?  How do M & M feel??  I can't imagine what they are going through.  etc...  Joe is gone currently at a school in Des Moines for the military.  So sitting in that room for a good 4 hours bleeding out gave me a lot of time to think about everything I could possibly think of.

Don't feel bad that I was alone during this time- I don't think there is anyone I really wanted at my side during it.  I am the "strong" one.. and not very emotional... in fact I'm sure Joe would agree that he cries more than I.  However, I to be alone today for that small moment of weakness to not have to be strong for anyone for just a short amount of time and grieve.  Grieve for M & M... and this baby... and the life I dreamed for them.

My phone died almost right after being admitted to CGH- so I think that was God's way of making me focus.... also it was a saving grace in a way because I SO badly wanted to call M & M and keep them in the loop but I realized after everything it is not my place to tell them.  I know you all want to know how they are doing-  I do too... I haven't spoke to them yet.  I charged my phone once I left the hospital and called our case worker and let her know what was going on.  She confirmed it was not my place to tell them... and I said that was fine but asked that they be told immediately.  I didn't want to hide ANYTHING from them and wanted them to know as soon as possible.  She sent me a text and let me know once the phone call was made..  I can't imagine what they are going through.  I have been in contact with them and they are concerned for me but seem to be doing ok and looking hopeful into the future.

So what's next???  I don't know... to be honest.  It feels weird not taking any medicine for the first time in..... oh my gosh I don't know how long. I honestly don't know what happens in the case of a miscarriage I hate that word!  It reeks of failure... so instead I use the word loss.   I honestly don't know what happens in the case of a loss...  I know that it is all in M & M's court.  They decide when and if they want to try again, I believe I know them well enough and from the sounds of it they are fully committed to trying again just as I am.  I assume I will have to get my body back into a regular ovulation cycle and resume meds and do a mock cycle and transfer again.

I appreciate your prayers.  I am strong and ok, I especially appreciate your prayers for M & M.. I know that God has a plan for their family and I pray for their comfort.  I know that they will be blessed with a baby and I pray that I can be the one to help them :)

Teeny Tiny

M & M made the drive from Chicago and met me at the ultrasound office.  I went in a little early just to talk to the tech about my bleeding/spotting and concerns.  They led us back to the ultrasound room and they both came back to view.  I think we were all nervous and wondering what was going on...  our technician did a great job showing us EVERYTHING and explaining tissues and colors, but we were quietly waiting for the moment of truth... how many (if any) babies were growing inside.  After what seemed like ages (it was probably 5 minutes) she showed us one very teeny tiny embryonic pole and yolk sac.  Amazingly at 6 weeks you could see the cardiac movement.  The heart is no where near formed but you could see the flutter of flow in the teeny tiny grain of rice looking embryo.  I have never had an ultrasound that early so I found that amazing.  So!  April 30thish we are expecting a Baby for M & M!  How exciting for them!! :) Everything looked great and healthy with the baby.  I do have a subchorionic (sp?) hemorrhage which apparently is bleeding outside of my uterus which is quite common with IVF and should clear itself.  I go back on the 18th for another peek!  How great.  I scheduled my first appointment with my OWN OB  how exciting to see Dr. Pimentel again :) After the appointment we celebrated with Olive Garden and M & M came over to visit at our house and got to meet my mother and two little ones.  It was great to see them play and interact with Charley (1 1/2 year) I know they will be great parents!!!   Anyway... enough for now.. here is a little peek at Baby: