Heavy Heart..

I write tonight with a heavy heart... but when I began blogging this I agreed to be raw and transparent... well here goes:

I went over a week without any bleeding!!  Which was great news... however, today I woke up with heavy bleeding..  with the bleeding came some small clots (sorry if TMI but if there is anyone out there that has the same issue and is googling it I want to help or share my experience for them) and then some larger ones.  I was feeling fine.  No pain, no cramping, after about 45 minutes of heavy bleeding I called the IVF clinic and asked them what they thought.  They said if the bleeding went away great... but if not go to the ER.

So I made a trip to the Morrison ER.  While I was there I passed more blood... and something that looked pretty suspicious...

I brought all this over to the Sterling ER (because Morrison didn't have an ultrasound technician)  and was admitted and spent the rest of my day in at CGH.  After blood work and ultrasound it was pretty clear that I had miscarriage.  The vaginal exam confirmed it.

mis·car·riage

   /mɪsˈkærɪdʒ; for 1 also ˈmɪsˌkærɪdʒ/ Show Spelled[mis-kar-ij; for 1 also mis-kar-ij] 

noun

1.  the expulsion of a fetus before it is viable

2.  failure to attain the just, right, or desired result

loss

   /lɔs, lɒs/ Show Spelled[laws, los] 

noun

1. detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get: to bear the loss

My heart hurts so much for M & M and their dreams and hopes for this baby.  The only pain I had was during the ultrasound and vaginal exam and being poked and prodded and worked over.  My body is sore and very tired due to the extreme blood loss.  I think the worst part of it is the ER OB room must be located underneath the birthing unit because I could hear a newborn crying the entire time.

I have such mixed feelings and emotions right now.  I wonder what I did wrong... was there something wrong with the baby... maybe this is why I didn't feel pregnant??? or maybe this is why I bled before
??  was there something wrong with me?  How do M & M feel??  I can't imagine what they are going through.  etc...  Joe is gone currently at a school in Des Moines for the military.  So sitting in that room for a good 4 hours bleeding out gave me a lot of time to think about everything I could possibly think of.

Don't feel bad that I was alone during this time- I don't think there is anyone I really wanted at my side during it.  I am the "strong" one.. and not very emotional... in fact I'm sure Joe would agree that he cries more than I.  However, I to be alone today for that small moment of weakness to not have to be strong for anyone for just a short amount of time and grieve.  Grieve for M & M... and this baby... and the life I dreamed for them.

My phone died almost right after being admitted to CGH- so I think that was God's way of making me focus.... also it was a saving grace in a way because I SO badly wanted to call M & M and keep them in the loop but I realized after everything it is not my place to tell them.  I know you all want to know how they are doing-  I do too... I haven't spoke to them yet.  I charged my phone once I left the hospital and called our case worker and let her know what was going on.  She confirmed it was not my place to tell them... and I said that was fine but asked that they be told immediately.  I didn't want to hide ANYTHING from them and wanted them to know as soon as possible.  She sent me a text and let me know once the phone call was made..  I can't imagine what they are going through.  I have been in contact with them and they are concerned for me but seem to be doing ok and looking hopeful into the future.

So what's next???  I don't know... to be honest.  It feels weird not taking any medicine for the first time in..... oh my gosh I don't know how long. I honestly don't know what happens in the case of a miscarriage I hate that word!  It reeks of failure... so instead I use the word loss.   I honestly don't know what happens in the case of a loss...  I know that it is all in M & M's court.  They decide when and if they want to try again, I believe I know them well enough and from the sounds of it they are fully committed to trying again just as I am.  I assume I will have to get my body back into a regular ovulation cycle and resume meds and do a mock cycle and transfer again.

I appreciate your prayers.  I am strong and ok, I especially appreciate your prayers for M & M.. I know that God has a plan for their family and I pray for their comfort.  I know that they will be blessed with a baby and I pray that I can be the one to help them :)