Rollercoaster Ride Since March

Hello, in case there are any of you left out there.... curious as to what has been going on in our journey...

Pardon me while I take out a broom to knock down all the cobwebs around here!!

Ahem... that's better.....

Ok.  Although it has been quiet on the blogfront, it hasn't been quiet in the baby making world... a lot has happened since March!  So... here goes.

In May we started back up again... pills, lupron, blood work, ultrasounds... estrace.. Progesterone (HUGE SHOTS THIS TIME, TWICE A DAY... OUCH!!!)  everything went through with flying colors!  I went into Chicago on June 18th and had a wonderful dinner catching up with M & M... we woke up bright and early and had a 10am transfer on the 19th.  We enjoyed lunch together and I went home to WAIT.... and wait I did... until I started peeing on sticks..
I peed, and I peed, and I peed.... and I kept seeing one line.... Negative.

I tried to stay positive thinking.. it's just too soon... I bought the digital read out one- thinking it was more accurate... I even listened to stories about other GC (Gestational Carriers) whom had negative hpt (home pregnancy tests) up until their beta!  I went in for the beta test on July 1 and unfortunatly it was negative.  I sent my IP's a text expressing my love and apologies... I haven't heard back yet- but I don't blame them at all!!  I feel a little defeated as well.

I was told by the clinic to start bc (birth control pills) once my cycle started... even though they weren't sure whether we were proceeding or stopping..  My cycle literally came two days later... so I started pills again on July 4. 

I received a phone call shortly after, again expressing how important it was to start up those pills... I took that as a good sign and cried a littler (mostly I am thinking due to my major hormone imbalance for abruptly stopping estrogen and progesterone... my poor body doesn't know whether its coming or going) but also I think because of a happy, yet worried mindset.

......... side note, I totally know I am not using proper punctuation in this blogpost... literally just typing as my brain is flowing so don't critique me please ;).......

Ok... where were we... ok TODAY i get all my prospective dates- I start shots again next wednesday go off bc on the 23... ultrasound on the 26th... yada yada yada.... baseline on... and then I hear it.  Transfer date... August 9th.

August 9th..

Of the 365 days of the year it had to be August 9th.

See:  http://theirbundleourjoy.blogspot.com/2012/08/transfer-complete.html


August 9th is our first transfer date... last year.. and YEAR to the day.... two embryos were transferred and one took... giving us a wonderful positive beta.... however, Sept 8 we miscarried at 6 weeks.  This transfer date will have the exact same prospective due date as the first...

A blow.... a sign.... positive or negative who knows... but it has been on my mind and won't leave it.


So.. there you have it.. the rollercoaster ride of a Gestational Carrier... the highs and lows....

I don't regret a single thing... I only pray for God's will... and that this is the one...

Transparently Raw... went out the window?? ......Failure......

Well...  It's been over a year now!


No, not nice I have updated this... ( I haven't been THAT bad ) since we've been matched with M&M.

Aloof?  I have been rather aloof...  Well here goes nothing.  I will start talking and opening up again because someone out there has got to hear this, needs to hear this....

After failed attempt number...  2.  2 and  a half??  1) miscarriage 2) November meds / transfer suppression not reached  3) Feb/Mar suppression was not reached and then it was!  And then my lining was nice and thick and ready for a transfer and all of a sudden BAM!  Uterine polyps.   Really!?  Was all I could muster...

What did this mean?   Well it meant no transfer the following week... It meant yet another road block... And it meant both myself and M&M had a lot of thinking and decision making to do.

I decided I would have surgery to remove and biopsy and hopefully mend and heal and move on and forward with surrogacy...  With hopes M&M were wanting to as well.  M&M seem on board and...

I had surgery Wednesday.  A little more extensive than I thought it was going to be... I was fully knocked out .. Breathing tube and all...  All I remember is waking up to my hips hurting like a son of a gun. Being up in those stirrups for the surgery and my tongue and throat are very sore from the tube... My stomach region and lady business is fine actually.  I go back Tues April 2 for post op and results... I am praying and believing in good news!

Where do I stand with this... Well it's all quite depressing.  I feel like a huge failure... I know that God is faithful and sovereign but knowing and accepting are two different things.  The urge to be in control and put it on my timeline and all pretty in my box is conflicting with the all powerful, omnipresent, all knowing God.  Please pray for my overall health, patience, peace, and perseverance during this valley....

Please pray for M&M who have already waited so long for their dream of a family to come true...

Thank you to my loyal readers who have asked after me so much...

I am on the mend... Now I need to get the results do I can refocus and get back on track.

Good results mean about two months of normal cycles and then meds again.  So Mar and Apr no meds and May meds June transfer... Give or take!